so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
