seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We talked him into tasing himself.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
