i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
