I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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