she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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