Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize