Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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