He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All the doctor said was why
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
