i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
