Umm I'm too high to move.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
