im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
