she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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