I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize