i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize