You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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