Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
