cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
