And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
