pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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