I want to have your abortion
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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