Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
