hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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