The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I intend to get homeless drunk
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
