He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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