If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
