why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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