This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We left the knife in your bed.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
