Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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