I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
