I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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