i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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