epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
