walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
