Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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