it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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