There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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