I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize