My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am naked and annoyed.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
