you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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