There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
