My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
