Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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