Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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