I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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