Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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