And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
