i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
