Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
