Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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