I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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