i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
