textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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