I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
