Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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