Got a toothbrush?
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
