she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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