seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
