the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
