just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize