the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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